Workin' 9 - 5!

Know what I'm NOT doing today?  Searching for a job! 
Know what I've been doing many, many, many days that I've had off or just had an afternoon/evening shift?  Combing the endless job sites over and over again, hoping that this time there will be something, anything, that looks interesting and fits my skill set. 

Not anymore.  I finally found something that will be not only professionally but personally fulfilling.  It will challenge me but builds on skills I already have and would love to develop.  It's been a long year of searching, but I truly believe that it was a year of personal discovery and reflection, learning, pushing myself, tapping into reserve levels of patience and persistence, and waiting for this job to be ready for me.

If you've read any of my other posts about my to teach or not to teach debate, you know it was something I struggled with quite a bit.  The current job market for music teachers in the Bay Area sorta helped out with that decision, so I knew it was really time to branch out.  But where?  One of the first harsh lessons I learned when I began my search was that those in the education field tend to be pigeon-holed.  Apparently once a teacher, you're only qualified to be a teacher.  As a teacher I:
*Juggled a really complicated calendar system.  Day to day, rehearsals, performances, travel, etc.       
*Planned long and short-term events and major community productions.
*Worked with independent contractors
* Budgeted for my class needs
*Managed classes of 2 - 45 teenage girls and came out relatively sane at the end of it all, depending on your definition of sanity.

And there was more.  So much more that I did and can do and do well.  Heck, really well!  But apparently all of that counted for bupkis when searching for a non-teaching job.  I began to think my future was a long line of folding and refolding t-shirts and cleaning out fitting rooms where I could swear people try to be as messy as they possibly can. 

But I kept trying.  I went through some hard slumps, for sure, but I always came back to the job boards.  I cranked out an endless array of cover letters and perfectly tailored resumes.  Sometimes I'd get a first round interview, sometimes not.  Many times, not even a response.  That bugged me.  I would get so elated when I finally had a bite, finally had my toe in the door somewhere.  I kept telling Kevin, "If I can just get my foot in enough doors, eventually one will open and let me in."  Many closed, a few slammed my toes a bit and that stung.  The good thing was that I really got the cover letter, resume, and interview thing down to an art.  The job market is a shark tank right now and I had to learn to be confident, assertive, and convince people that while I may not have previous office experience, I had the right skills and attitude to come on board and be an exemplary member of their team. (Put me in, coach!)

I finally have my team.  And after one day on the job, I already know I'll love it.  I liked the company and the people immediately when I first interviewed, so when I got the offer I did a huge happy dance all around the apartment.  Plus, what they do is important and actually helps people.  It's a start up that provides patients with second opinions on serious surgeries or illnesses from a nation wide network of expert doctors.  We also help find patients excellent providers in their local area for office visits.  I know that helping people pick out the perfect outfit for an interview or building someone's cruise wardrobe for their upcoming vacation is important in its own way - I understand that fashion can inspire confidence and that is a good thing.  However, I really feel like I'm working with people to help them on a deeper level.  I am able to have a direct impact on how this person deals with a life-changing situation. 

It's going to be an adjustment, for sure.  For the past year I've only been working 15 - 25 hrs/week, which has its drawbacks, but its perks, too.  I've loved hanging out with Zeke during the day and he loves his porch time.  It's been great to take care of the vast majority of grocery shopping, meal prep, and cleaning on my time off.  I am still writing - though it's taken a bit of a backseat with the hard-core searching - and I hope to get into a schedule where I'm still setting aside time every week to continue to do so.  But I also get so restless.  Once the cleaning and shopping is done, when I have writer's block or just don't want to stare at a computer anymore, it gets monotonous.  Zeke may not have quite as much daily porch time in the future, but he will have a happier mommie.  Plus, there's a slight chance he might be able to come to work with me once we're in the new office!  Sweet!

2 more shifts at Ann Taylor left - tonight and tomorrow night.  I may just go skipping out the door and twirling down the hallway of the mall as I lock up the door for the last time, knowing that I have a regular job with good pay and I finally have my evenings and weekends back.  Don't get me wrong - I'm incredibly grateful that I've had this year of retail jobs because it was far better than no job at all.  It got me out of the house, provided some income, and, in truth, I did learn a lot about myself in the process.  This year of searching, learning, trying, pushing, persisting, occasionally crying but still moving forward has been an interesting one to be sure.  And it just makes finding this job - the right job - sweeter than ever because it's been a hard-fought and hard-sought goal. 

Because knowledge is power!

So, wahoo!  1 year officially!  We celebrated our wedding anniversary on the 21st, and the 29th marks the 1 year for officially arriving in our new hometown of San Mateo, CA.  I re-realize the fact that we're Californians, or at least living in CA, now.  From time to time I say, "Woah.  I'm in CA.  And I live here.  Wild."  (I think there's some sort of weird, secret process to officially be labeled a true "Californian."  Someone told Kevin that when we finally complain about the weather, we'll be tried and true NorCals.  That has yet to happen.)  It does feel more like home now and not just like we're on an extended visit.  On our recent trip back east I realized how quickly I've acclimated to the lack of extreme temperatures and mind-boggling humidity.  And mosquitoes.  We apparently don't have those in the Bay Area and I am LOVING IT!  For a 1 year marker, I thought it might be nice to do a little tally of the things I've learned about our new city, and our new married life, in the past 365 days or so. 

1.  Produce:  I've never been a big fruit/veggie eater, being more of a fan of carbs and sweets, for which my somewhat curvy silhouette can serve as evidence.  Now, however, after living in the land of strawberries and avocados, I am inhaling fresh berries every morning for breakfast and we put lime, cilantro, and avocados on just about damn near everything.  It's ridiculous.  We actually researched what it would take to grow an avocado and/or lime tree.  Answer - more space than our apartment patio can provide at this time.  We had many a failed attempt at making fresh guacamole back in B'more.  Now we have it down to a science and on more nights than I'd care to admit, a big bowl of it with salty tortilla chips has been a pretty excellent dinner, with a side of margarita.  The produce store by our place has these big bottles of lime juice and I swear we go through at least 1 a week, if not more.  Same story with cilantro, but I'll elaborate on that in another post. Antici . . . . . pation!

That big bottle of lime juice will last maybe 1 week.  And yes, those are figs and prickly pears for us to try.  Look at me - all adventurous with the produce now. 

2.  Scarves and jackets:  I know this won't garner any pity from those of you living pretty much anywhere other than here, but it is shockingly chilly out here during the summer!  Seriously!  When we first got here we walked to downtown SM for drinks and I didn't have a coat with me.  This happened:

All dressed and ready for a July day in San Francisco.

Kevin: You should grab a coat.
Me:....?.... What for?  It's lovely out right now.  Plus it's like July.  Who needs a coat in July?
Kevin:  I know, but it'll be cold when we come back home. 
Me:  Cold?  Cold enough for a jacket?  Nah, I'll be fine.  It's not that far to walk anyway.
(Later that evening)
Me:  BRRRRRRR!  It's so chilly!  And holy crap that breeze is downright cold!  Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh I'm freezing!
Kevin: This is what I was saying when we left - it's really cold on summer nights.  Do you want my coat?

I don't remember if I was cold enough to take his coat, or if I refused on principle of being "fine" without one.  Either way, we power-walked back home.  We were just in San Francisco a few days ago and it was again coat weather.  Chilly!  Windy!  Everyone walking around in jackets, scarves, and even some actual winter hats.  So it's not just San Franciscans being all weird and quirky - like they do - to wear what would normally be winter clothing in the dead of summer.  It's a necessity.  And the bank of fog was so think you couldn't see the tops of the buildings as we drove in and it just seems to run along the streets and down the extremely steep hills.  It's a very weird place out here, but I do love it. 

3.  Pet-friendly:  If you know me for more than 5 minutes, you'll know that I have a dog named Zeke who is pretty ridiculously awesome.  I'd bring him everywhere with me, but usually it's not just his laziness (and unfortunate dog aggression) that force me to leave him at home - most public spaces in the majority of the country are off limits to anything with four legs that isn't a service animal.  Not so in CA.  People bring their dogs to the mall.  Like walk them around on leashes and come shopping in the stores and everything else with their dogs.  And we're not just talking the little purse-pooches that look like toys, but medium to large sized dogs just hanging out at the mall.  Shopping.  It's one of the oddest things I've seen and still amazes me.  Most people seem very responsible about the whole thing - it only takes one careless owner to spoil it for everyone - but whenever I see a retriever or pointer or doodle-pug-schnauzer thing coming in to the store I have a moment of pure amazement that people bring their dogs EVERYWHERE. 

Then

Now

4.  Purse size:  My mom has always carried a huge purse.  I used to joke (actually, I still do) that it could pass as carry-on luggage.  I would always ask, "What do you actually have in there?"  She would always lose her keys in it, bringing about a moment of public, in-store panic as she threw other bags and whatnot at me and proceeded to dive into her purse, head first, in order to comb through every pocket inside out.  Eventually, the keys were always found, buried somewhere amongst the wallet, tissues, hard candy, phone, pager, (when those were still a thing) other wallet, or breath mints.  I've personally always preferred a smaller handbag, or just shoving credit cards, ID, and phone into my pockets and going bag-free.  It's so liberating.  In my normal sized purse I carry a small wallet, phone, lip gloss, keys, pen, and maybe a few spare hair ties.  That's it.  That's all I've ever needed.  However, I've noticed a certain growing trend in my purse contents, stemming from my new marital status.  It started with adding a packet of tissues.  Then a little to-go thing of Pepto and Tums.  Listerine strips and/or gum and another set of glasses/sunglasses are now in there, too.  I really should keep a few band-aids in there, just for good measure.  Now, my once slim and sleek purse it getting bulgy, but it came with getting myself an amazing hubby.  It's a good trade.  And yes, I know that eventual children will increase not only bag size, but number of bags and sheer amount of crap needed at all times to unprecedented levels.  I'll cross that bridge when we get there.  Later. 

5.  Personal quirks:  I think any newly married couple will have a few random quirks or traits that they notice about the other.  Kevin and I knew most going in - and yes, there are many on both sides - but there are a few that are our "favorites."  Don't worry - I did the same number for each of us to be fair. 
*Closing things:  Kevin doesn't close cabinets.  You'd think a poltergeist is living in our place from all the cabinet doors left open all the time.  I can trace where he's been in the apartment by what doors are still open, as I go around shutting each one in turn.  It's hilarious because I don't know what there is about the act of closing the cabinet that just eludes him.  I think he just gets distracted and forgets.

Yes, I staged this, but NO JOKE this happens on a regular basis.

 
*Tissues:  Try as he might, Kevin just can't consistently make the trash can when he goes to throw away his tissues.  I believe his low percentage of free-throws would rival that of Shaq.  Hilarious as it might sound, any future basketball skills of any future offspring will come from me.  Just let that sink in.  Basketball skills and me.  You're laughing, right?  You should be. 
*Jumping:  At 5'2" my vertical is somewhat lacking.  Our apartment has a decent amount of shelving, some of which is way above my very best, tip-toe, super stretching fingertip reach.  As a solution, I've taken to climbing on the counter, using the long grilling tongs to grab lighter objects, or just jumping and hoping to hit and knock whatever item I need off the shelf.  All of this despite the "just my size" step stool folded neatly between the fridge and counter.  That just takes too much time and it's far less amusing.  Kevin claims my stellar jumping skills were the cause of his kitchen cabinet becoming askew back in B'more.  I say it was just a fluke coincidence.  We may never know who was right...
*Flavor combos:  While we both enjoy cooking, Kevin is often times the more adventurous in terms of odd flavor combos.  I, on the other hand, can't quite deal with certain things going together.  Making chili - Cheddar = awesome!  Making baked ziti - Cheddar = you must be crazy.
Kevin - What cheese do you want to use in the ziti?
Me - Mozzerella, provolone, ricotta... any one - or all - of those would be great.
Kevin - We have some cheddar, too.  Want me to toss some of that in?
Me - Um.... no.
Kevin - Why not?
Me - Because it doesn't go.  It's the wrong flavor combo.  We have all Italian going on with the tomato sauce and seasonings and cheddar would be weird.
Kevin - But you like cheddar on chili and that's also tomato-y.  Right?
Me - Yes....but it's different.  Just trust me.

One time, he made the ziti and added cheddar.  He thought it was great.  I, predictably, thought it was weird.  He might not understand my reluctance to pair certain foods, but it makes sense in my head.  And, there have definitely been times when I have been proven wrong and Kevin's seemingly crazy combinations have turned out to be lovely.  Despite this, I will still hold that cheddar and ziti do not mix. 

Well, that's just a few of the knowledge gems I've gained over the past year.  I'm sure there are other, more poignant nuggets of wisdom as well, but these have definitely been some of the most prominent ones thus far.  Til next time!

First year reflections

Friend/Family Member:  "So, how's married life treating you so far?"
Me:  "Awesome!  Being married has been great.  Honestly, the move to CA and the whole new job frontier has been a way bigger adjustment than going from single to married."

Our 13" height difference (maybe 9" with my heels) made this a delicate maneuver.

And it's true.  And for that, I know that we are extremely lucky - I know not every newly wed couple can say with confidence that the first year has been smooth sailing.  Living with someone full-time, having to work around schedules, who's getting the groceries and making dinner, budgeting budgeting budgeting, and who is the lucky one to take Zeke out this time.  Yeah, it's all a bit of a juggling act, but it hasn't been that hard.  Sure, I'm the one to take Zeke out more frequently, but Kevin does more trash runs.  I'm the laundry master (because I admittedly don't trust Kevin to not shrink his shirts.  The boy's tall - if his shirts shrink by the tiniest bit, it's time to go shirt shopping.) but Kevin will voluntarily wash my car, knowing I'd let it get to epic pollen-covered levels before taking it in myself.  We both enjoy cooking - I'll make the pizza dough and prep the toppings while he makes his killer pizza sauce.  

A delicious example of our pizza.  Complete with Enterprise pizza wheel. 

It's a balance.  I know that's far from a revolutionary idea - just about anyone who's ever been in a relationship will tell you that.  It's balance, but it's also communication.  Again, nothing ground breaking in that statement either.  So, it's no secret, but it also isn't hard either.  Or it shouldn't be.  If we're in this together, than it follows that we should always be considering the other one and not just ourselves.  I think in all of the happy relationships I've seen, it's clear that each partner is always at some level thinking about and considering the other person's best interest.

But, maybe I'm naive in thinking that it should be easy to consider the other person, strike a balance, and communicate openly.  Maybe I'm spoiled in that I've found someone with whom realizing that crucial balance is easy.  We've said it many times - our weirds just get each other.  Earlier on in our relationship, I realized how well we work together in the kitchen:  We'd each have our own thing to start on, but if my veggies were chopped I'd keep an eye on his sauce while he cleared up counter space.  Or, while I was finishing up the assembly, he'd pour drinks and get the table set.  Neither one ever really had to ask the other, "Hey, could you do..." or "Why don't you do X while I do Y."  We didn't have to.  We anticipated what needed to happen next in order to enjoy dinner.  It's always been instinctual to just do, not wait to be asked to do.  And all this in a tiny kitchen with a food-loving, dog-shaped speed bump underfoot just waiting for something (or someone) to fall.  It's just always worked.  It's always easy.  And for that I am always grateful. 

Gracefully stumbling over my heels now caught in my dress. 

Our first dance song was Ben Folds, "The Luckiest."  While we danced, he sang to me while I laughed and struggled with my heels getting caught up on the train of my dress.  Typical.  We also have that engraved on the inside of our wedding bands, "The Luckiest."  We fully appreciate how fortunate we are to have such a stable and easy relationship.  There was a moment where I said we could have had "Always and forever" engraved on our bands.  You know, from that most-awesome song in Napoleon Dynamite:  "But I still love technology, always and forever."  Don't worry.  As much as he might adore his gadgets and gizmos aplenty, I still trump the tech in terms of the affection scale.  Zeke might even be fairly high up there as well.  The "I love you," "I know" bit from Star Wars would also have been appropriate and fantastically nerdy, but I know many couples have BTDT already.  "The Luckiest" just sums it all up so nicely and hopefully we never lose sight of what it is that makes us feel like The Luckiest. 

You can almost read "The Luckiest" on his ring, but you might have to squint a little and hold the screen close to your eyes.  Not sure I recommend it.  It's way too tiny on mine to see in the picture, but it's there.

*Note:  All this isn't to say that we haven't had to deal with any issues or had any obstacles along the way.  Adult things like budgets and having to make important decisions are, unfortunately, unavoidable and not always fun.  However, I think what has made it feel easy is that we talk about these things.  We discuss them and if we don't agree, we listen to one another, trying to work around the issue until we can come to an agreement.  It's not a shouting match or a competition to see who can be the most stubborn.  We leave that to Zeke.  He said something once that I think sums it up perfectly:  "It all comes down to, do I love you more or do I love this thing or getting my own way more.  And it will always be you.  The other stuff is just... stuff." 

My pep talk

The thought I keep returning to that brings me comfort every time my mind starts reeling over everything is this: Everything happens for a reason. I don't always know that reason, and I'm not meant to. There will always be life events that I will never understand why they happened, but I can't dwell on that. But the fact remains that throughout the course of my life, I have always been placed right where I need to be, and sometimes that only becomes clear in retrospect.

I thought I wanted to attend a conservatory for vocal performance after high school. Didn't get in and was crushed as a result. Then I got the acceptance letter from UNC and had the most amazing undergraduate and graduate experience possible. I loved every minute of my time there and many of my dearest friends are from that point in my life.

After grad school, while searching for my first teaching job, I found out that one of my mentor teachers I had worked with was leaving to be a stay-at-home mom. I thought I was a shoe-in for this position – I already knew her, knew the kids, knew the school. Perfect – I could stay in the RDU area that I had grown to love and teach at a good high school. They went with someone who had previous experience as an elementary music teacher. Again, completely devastated and stuck working at Ann Taylor Loft with summer and the end of the major hiring season fast approaching.

Amid the turmoil of “I have this shiny new Master's degree and I'm super eager to use it – why will no one hire me?!” two things happened. First, my mom found an opportunity in the middle TN area. It was a middle school position, not exactly what I wanted, but it was a start. It was something. I could live at home for a little bit while I looked for a place of my own. I had a phone interview and was about to fax them my paperwork when the second thing happened – a phone call from another school at which I had previously interviewed. A private, Catholic high school in rural VA. It had been over a month since my interview and, hearing nothing, I had given it up for a lost cause. But here they were, offering me a position at their school located an hour outside of DC. I didn't know the area but many of my UNC friends were in DC and the lure of a new adventure in a new city appealed to me. So, I went to work for NDA. I used to wonder what might have happened had I taken the job in TN. Probably good things, but I know now that it wasn't the path meant for me. It feels very “The Road Less Traveled” – I chose the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference. And trust me, if you knew the roads around NDA, in tiny Middleburg, you would agree that they are indeed less traveled.

NDA was a “unique” place for many reasons and almost drove me crazy more than a few times. But, again, this place gave me the chance to meet amazing friends and living on campus made it easy to finally adopt a dog. Thus, I credit NDA for Zeke coming into my life.

This first job gave me my sea-legs so when I was ready to move on, I was looking at larger public schools to really sink my teeth into a big choral program. Nope, no go. But, RPCS, a private girls' school in Baltimore, gave me a chance and it was here that I really hit my stride. It was also here that I met Kevin and other wonderful people, both colleagues and students alike, and I am forever grateful for their impact on my life.

Even though none of these places were in my original scope of thought for where I originally wanted to be, they were precisely the right place at the right time in my life. And I know that with complete certainty.

So, when Kevin was talking to his brother one late summer afternoon, recounting why his current job situation was far from ideal, his brother said, “Send me your resume. I'll see what I can do” I was outside with Zeke and heard Kevin call out to me,

“Hey, what do you think about CA?”

“I love CA.”

“Great!”

And that was that. We talked about it, more in terms of wishful thinking than anything else at first. Then the resume submission became a phone interview. And then an in-person interview. As things started to progress, it was exciting but also terrifying. We weren't engaged at that point, but we knew we wanted to be together. I had a job that I loved, but knew we needed this break. What would happen if our wildest CA dreams came true? I had a moment when I turned it all over to God: “He needs this. We both need this. If this job is meant to be and if we are meant to be together then I will go with him. I will leave this place and this job I love. I will leave these students and colleagues who are so amazing to work with. If this opportunity is the right path I will give this up and go somewhere new.”

The night we finished casting the fall musical, right after we had finalized everything, I get a text. “Got the offer. It's good. We're going to CA.” My heart and stomach both leapt and flipped and I felt flushed and dizzy. “Holy shit...! This. Is. Amazing. AMAZING!!! Thank you GOD! But what now? Did I just cast my last show here? When will he move? Will I move, too?” Needless to say, it was a tumult of both joy and fear. In the blink of an eye we made arrangements, packed his house, and the week before he headed off to start work he proposed, solidifying the fact that I was going to join him in CA. So, off he flew while I stayed in MD, finishing the school year, planning our wedding, and preparing for my own cross-country journey. I was elated and knew that despite my fears, it was all going in the right direction.

This is the thought I keep returning to time after time whenever I feel doubt about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. This reassurance that I have always been placed just where I need to be and with whom I needed to be. Heck, that started out in my first few weeks of life when my mom and dad adopted me! I've always been blessed in that way. And I feel that. No, I don't know what my next adventure will be in the employment category, but that's ok. I'll get there.  

In early April, I applied for a job that sounded ideal:  The school sounded like a west-coast clone of RPCS - they even have the same colors.  Only a 20min commute.  I knew that if this worked out, I was meant to get back in the classroom.  And if I didn't... it meant there was something else for me.  After what I thought was a solid Skype interview I waited.  And waited more.  And finally, a month later, received the "Thanks but no thanks" email.  This time, however, no major devastation.  I had pretty much figured out I wasn't a candidate after a few weeks of no contact, and I was at peace with it.  I knew that if I didn't get it, I wasn't meant to and that I could focus on finding that thing I was supposed to do.  

That's how this whole idea of writing came into being. I was beyond bored when I first moved here, unemployed and socially crippled by not knowing a soul within 20 miles. So I read. And then I got some ideas of my own and I wrote them down. Then I wrote more and elaborated, trying to build something up that might possibly, tentatively, hopefully, maybe become something someday. It's a scary prospect though – what if I after devoting all this time and energy it goes nowhere? What if it's a total dead-end? I think that's why I haven't mentioned the notion of my writing books to really almost anyone other than Kevin. If it doesn't come to fruition, if no one knows about my dream in the first place, they can't ask, “Hey, how's that book coming?” while I awkwardly mutter something about, “Eh... publishing... editing... long process. You know. Hey, how about that sport-ball game, huh?” It's a shield to not let anyone know about it because if they don't know I'm trying, they won't know if I fail.

And no one will be there to encourage, push, or motivate either. Aye, there's the rub. Telling people is a way to keep myself honest and continue to push to try to make something of it. By finally putting it out there that I hope to write a book or two and seek publication in some way, shape, or form, then everyone who knows about that project will play the tiniest part in keeping me on track. People know about it now. It's official. Here ye, here ye! I have this potentially really good idea for a book (or 2) in the young reader's genre – like middle school age-ish. I'd rather say that I tried and failed. That's better than saying that I started trying and then gave up.

Earlier today I read two blog posts from high school friends and they both struck me as exactly what I needed to hear. Here's the essence of what each said:

1. There are times when you know you're supposed to be doing more with your life but you're scared to take that first step. Then a situation arises that forces you to take action and take that step – maybe it's divine intervention in that way. “Wake up! Take charge and do what you know you could be doing!”
2. Take responsibility for yourself. It's the biggest and most important thing you can do.

I think part of me knew in my heart that I wasn't meant to teach as a long-term career, for whatever the reasons may be. Now, I have no excuse to not pursue a long-dormant dream. And, if I want to make this happen, I'm the only one who can make it so. I'm the one who had to take the time to sit down, create, edit, rewrite, and so on and I'm the one to blame if it just sits on my computer, abandoned and unfinished. So, if either of you happen to read this and recognize your blog message from above, thanks.

These things and thoughts and feeling and emotions have been tied up in my brain for weeks now. I had to get them down. I had to write these two, massively long posts for my own well-being, if not for anyone else's potential reading and reflection. Now that this isn't swimming in my head anymore I feel a little cleansed, refreshed. I've done a decent amount of writing so far but I think I needed this catharsis before continuing on. If you made it this far, you're a trooper. Props.

A conversation

Scene: Driving back home with Kevin after a perfect evening dining out - having a picnic dinner at one of our favorite new parks, Coyote Point. On the way home, we pass the huge local high school.

Me: Yeah, that definitely looks like a new theater

Kevin: Oh yeah – that's the fly space over there.

Me: Looks like it'll be really nice...(sigh...)

Kevin: Why do you always sound depressed when you see a nice theater like that? You say that like it's the saddest thing in the world to you.

Me: Well, I am a little sad. I miss working in theaters like that, doing shows, you know. Part of it is sadness that I'm not in one now, doing stuff with music. Part of it is envy that others are there. I am kinda sad that I'm not enjoying a beautiful new space like that, but I don't know that it's where I'm supposed to be, either.

What I continued to think: Yes. I am sad. I am sad that I have these degrees and this talent and this love for music and I'm working a ridiculous job in retail. At the mall. And then I see a gorgeous new theater at a school and I wonder what shows they'll do. I wonder what music will be made. Kevin and I met during my first musical when I moved to Baltimore – I'll always have a soft spot in that regard. And I envy those who have ridden out the storm in music ed despite budget cuts, etc, and I wonder if I actually have the tenacity to fight for it like I know they have to fight for it. And I don't know. And then I doubt myself on a multitude of levels: my drive, my passion, my ability to teach...

Later that night:

Me: Did I tell you I got a referral from a school in a suburb of Oakland?

Kevin: No, when?

Me: Yeah, like on Thurs or Fri. I looked at some info on it – it's like 45mins each way in good traffic. And it's choir, theory, and history, which is great, but they also want band.

Kevin: Do all the things!
Me: Yes, do all the things when I'm not qualified to do all the things and don't want to pretend like I can adequately teach band. Not to mention the potential late nights, weekends, and other craziness. I don't know. I just don't know if I want to pursue it, especially with that commute. I'll never be home...

I start to wonder if I want to put myself through it all. Do I want to continue the arduous process of searching for jobs that are scarce at best, put myself in the pool of other candidates and try to sell myself and my skills to the latest search group? And, if I luck out and get hired, what will it be like getting to know another new school, another new student body, another set of standards and traditions? It almost feels like a hyper-intense dating process – hey, do you guys on the search committee like me? Do your friends and colleagues like me? How about all of this mass of crazy teenagers – do they like me and will they listen to me and respect me as a teacher? What are your likes and dislikes? Oh, you don't really seem to like what I like, but that's ok, I'll still try to relate to you and build the foundation for a relationship of sorts.

Been there, done that. I mean, any job application process is like that to some degree, but when it's something you really care about, it starts to sting when it doesn't look like it's going to work out. And now that's happened a few times, be it for a teaching position or another real, non-mall job. I've always been a bit of a weenie – maybe I'm just looking out for my own somewhat thin skin by not putting myself out there again.

Then there's this: Maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. I touched on this a little in another post, but, to summarize, I came to music education because I love music, I love singing, and I love being around others who share that same passion.  

But, when I reflect back on how I was in the classroom, I'm not always entirely sure that I was the best teacher. Passionate, yes. Committed, yet. Put on good productions, yes. But did I really possess the core aspects of honest to goodness teaching? I'm not sure. I wasn't great about lesson planning, my classes should probably have been more structured and disciplined, and maybe I should have continued to push myself more in terms of building foundations. I sometimes think that the successes I had were because I had enough passion and energy to inspire my students to put together great performances. And I got along with them well. I attained the end product, but did I achieve it in the best, most educationally savvy way? Eh, probably not.

Don't get me wrong – I enjoyed teaching. I really did. And I miss it.   No amount of current debating or wrangling over my present employment dilemma, or wondering if I ever really was a super teacher or not will ever change that. I loved what I did more often than not. Of course there were frustrating days, early mornings and late nights with rehearsals. But I loved the shows, I loved the concerts, and I wrote some really excellent arrangements for my ensembles. And I know that, despite any good or not so good teaching practices I may have employed, I made a difference in the lives of my students. Maybe not all of them and not all to the same extent, but I know I did. And I will be forever proud of that.  So, where do I go from here?  It's still a little unclear, but I have some ideas....

....And we're back!

Being completely honest, I totally knew I would start this, enjoy it, have some fun ideas, and then completely space/get distracted with other stuff and not come back to it for, oh, what's it been - 10 months now?  Just about?  Typical.  But I do think I had some relatively legit reasons for not keeping up with this.  Some.

So, let's recap.  When we last left off, I had just finished the school year and it was 1 month away from the wedding - wahoo!  Here's what's happened since, each point deserving of it's own post (or several) but for now I'll keep it to a summary.
1. WE GOT MARRIED!  Kevin and I were completely thrilled and humbled by the entire week of celebrations, shenanigans, and the love we felt from all our friends and family.  It was perfect and more than we imagined.  Not an ounce of nerves or anxiety the entire time - just love, joy, and tons of laughter.  And wine. 

BEST DAY EVAH!!!

2.  Road trip:  The drive from Baltimore to San Mateo was quite the experience.  Mom took Zeke to Nashville after the wedding and we dawdled down the Blue Ridge Parkway for a few days, toured the Biltmore, and then stayed with mom for 2 nights.  We picked up Z-man and crammed him, Flo (my poor plant that is STILL surviving thankyouverymuch) gifts, suitcases, and ourselves in the car for a 3-day marathon drive. 
3.  Getting settled in CA:  We joke that we feel like ex-pats coming from the east coast to CA.  It's definitely different, but in these subtle, almost intangible ways.  One way we've both felt like transplants is that, to us, it was never really cold over the winter.  Everyone was complaining about how freezing it was and I don't think I ever had to put on a hat or gloves.  It's not cold, people.  It barely hit the low 30s.  We've loved exploring our new town and have been able to take some road trips down the coast and have visited SF many times.  Right now we're exploring the various parks in the area and have seen some beautiful scenery.  Being close to the ocean is incredible and Zeke is definitely enjoying the mild Bay Area temps!

We saw elephant seals up close and personal!  So cool!

4.  This girl is for hire!  Well, sort of, at least.  Doing a cross-country job search while planning a wedding and a move was a bit tricky so when we finally got out here, I was officially unemployed.  For the first few weeks it was actually great to be able to unpack, settle in, and get acquainted with the area.  I started job searching online - it was a little late in the year for a teaching job, so I focused on opportunities at arts organizations, businesses, performing groups... anything that sounded remotely interesting.  But nothing panned out.  And then I got bored.  And boredom led to desperation.  For 3 months, the apartment was super clean, groceries were stocked, laundries were done and folded and I was having total cabin fever.  Plus, I hated not having an income of my own to help out with groceries, gas, etc.  So, I went to the mall and starting in late Oct (my birthday, actually) I began working for both Williams-Sonoma and White House/Black Market.  Yaaaay... The posts I could write about working at these places are innumerable so I'll sum it up by saying I worked at WS only through the holidays (NOT a fun place to work) and I'm still at WHBM.  I don't love it.  But it's money and something to do while I try to find something more permanent and fulfilling. 
5.  Maybe writing...?:  Kevin told me about oDesk.com - you can create a profile and do freelance work for writing, IT, or office admin duties.  I signed up and have had pretty decent luck with writing jobs.  Fingers crossed that it will be the springboard I need to get me to something I really enjoy doing.  I miss music and I miss teaching.  But, I really do enjoy writing so here goes nothing. 
6.  FAQ: 
     1.  What about running a private voice studio?  Yes, it's a great idea and one I might pursue at some time.  However, I need to find a studio, rent space, and try to build up a roster of students in order to be successful with that.  Right now, it's not the most viable option, but one day maybe it will be.
    2.  Substitute teaching?  Another good idea.  Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of music programs here in the Bay Area in public schools.  Not to mention the myriad of certifications and programs needed to get on their roster in the first place.  Plus, the steady work, even if it's not ideal, at least brings in predictable cash money flow. 

Yes, maybe both of those responses are littered with excuses as to why I'm not pushing myself a little outside my comfort zone and taking a risk.  Right now, I don't know that I'm in the position to take that risk in the first place.  Needless to say, there's a lot running through my head and, just like before, writing it all out helps me make sense of it all. 

However, while my employment situation leaves a little to be desired, that's just about my only complaint in the world and, for that reason, I am extremely blessed.  At least I have a job.  Many people don't.  Another reason to be grateful, and I recognize that.  Getting adjusted to living in CA has been more of a shock to the system than getting adjusted to being married - that feels totally natural and we are both extremely happy.  Zeke is a happy, healthy moosh and we live in an excellent area, close to wonderful family who we are able to see regularly.  It's still a mess of adventures, but in a new, exciting way. 

Lovely view of San Francisco from atop Twin Peaks

School's out for.....ever?

Today was graduation.  Graduation for the students who were freshmen my first year in Baltimore and now we are all grown up and off on new adventures.  In that way, it feels like a little graduation of my own.  It's been an interesting ride to see these girls grow and mature over these past 4 years, and while my own high school career is long behind me, I can see the changes that have happened in myself as well over the past 4 years.  These girls changed and challenged me, my colleagues inspired me, my classes fulfilled me, and I learned a more about who I am and who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Luckily, that last part was pretty easy to figure out.  When I came here I knew no one in Baltimore and was terrified of taking over a music program that had been led by a respected and loved teacher.  I had a lot of growing up and stepping up to do, and I think more often than not, I was able to accomplish that.  There were some mishaps along the way, things I wish I had done or done differently, mistakes I wish I had caught, and perhaps even times I wish I had been more strict with my students.  (I'm a softie, what can I say.  It's not in my nature to be as disciplined as I would like to think I am.) But, setting my fears aside, I came in and did what I love to do:  make music.  Within those first few months I met Kevin and grew to know and love both my school and my new city.  I had visions of spending years here, taking it on head-first and really being part of this community for the long haul.  Then, things happened that were beyond our control, Kevin was offered an amazing opportunity we had only dreamed of, and now, here we go off to CA in just over a month.  And married at that!  Holy crap!  While I may have had dreams of living Baltimore for years to come, it seems as though it was a critical 4-year stepping stone to the next part of life for me.  A stepping stone I couldn't have done without and one that allowed me to do a little self-realizing, to be sure, but it looks like Zeke and I won't be lingering here for much longer. 

The part of the school year that everyone, students and teachers alike, most look forward to is more likely than not, the end of the year.  That official jumping-off point of summer, BBQ's, vacation, and seriously lazy days, and you can officially crank out the Alice Cooper song we all know and love so well.  This year was no different for me, even though it marks the close of my career at my current school.  However, this time, it's possibly the "School's out forever" part of the refrain that is most appropriate.  As of now, I do not have a teaching job, or any job for that matter, in CA.  I've been looking for months and nothing with music within a reasonable commute of our apartment has come through.  Nothing.  Yes, I've considered other options that could work for me and most of those would work, but in terms of being fulfilling, I'm not entirely sure.  So.... depending on how the proverbial chips fall both throughout this summer and in the years to come, school could be out for me forever.  And that is quite strange.  I've been doing the school thing in some way, shape, or form for the better part of 2 (creeping ever so slowly to 3...) decades, so not being in or teaching school seems a bit of an anomaly.  No long weekends for work days?  No extended holiday breaks?  No thrill watching the news in the morning for a snow closing? (Of which we had ZERO this year!  I feel so cheated.) No spring break, and most jarringly, no summer vacation....?  Whaaaaaa?  Working 9 - 5 diligently throughout the year with only the occasional long weekend of relaxed bliss?  I'm not sure I know how to function in those circumstances.  However, being the fidgety person I am, I can only take about 2 days to 1 week max of nothing to do before I lose my ever loving mind, so summer can sometimes pose a threat to my occasionally fragile grip on reality.  Thankfully, my colleague and good friend runs a summer music theater camp and asked me to come on board my first summer here, so for the first chunk of break, my sanity is safe.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE me some time off.  I also love feeling as though I've accomplished something in my day other than a shower and walking the dog.  Keeping busy is good for me, and, by proxy, Kevin, Zeke, and everyone else around me. 

So, no, I don't know that I'll be teaching next year, and at this point it's fairly unlikely that I'll find a teaching job.  And that's ok.  For the past month or so I've tried to come to grips with that and figure out what else I can do.  I was never one of those people who grew up knowing all-along they were going to teach.  I didn't have that gene and sometimes I feel as though those who did have that instinct all along are much stronger educators than I could ever hope to be.  I knew I loved music.  I knew I loved making music, singing, conducting, and being surrounded by creativity.  That's how I came to teaching - it was a good outlet for me to share my passion with others, and I think in that regard I have been successful.  If there is one thing I leave these students I hope it is an open mind to all types of music and a sincere curiosity and desire to explore the performance opportunities afforded by each piece.  Unless it's some terrible arrangement of a trashy pop song.  My students know my severe dislike of many popular artists out there today.  I'll refrain from a full-on rant right now.  I'm hopeful that my passion for music, performance, and creativity will lead me somewhere new - possibly not in the education field, but somewhere I could have my outlet, share my passions, and feel fulfilled at the end of the day.  Something that challenges me and demands that I continue pushing myself to learn.  There are a ton of cool companies out in the Bay area - I keep saying that one of them out there has to be looking for someone like me.  And hopefully they're willing to back it up with a somewhat decent salary to top it off.  Just sayin'. 

And since this post doesn't lend itself well to pictures, here's a one of Zeke for good measure.  Because you can never have enough mooshy bully cuteness in your day.