My pep talk

The thought I keep returning to that brings me comfort every time my mind starts reeling over everything is this: Everything happens for a reason. I don't always know that reason, and I'm not meant to. There will always be life events that I will never understand why they happened, but I can't dwell on that. But the fact remains that throughout the course of my life, I have always been placed right where I need to be, and sometimes that only becomes clear in retrospect.

I thought I wanted to attend a conservatory for vocal performance after high school. Didn't get in and was crushed as a result. Then I got the acceptance letter from UNC and had the most amazing undergraduate and graduate experience possible. I loved every minute of my time there and many of my dearest friends are from that point in my life.

After grad school, while searching for my first teaching job, I found out that one of my mentor teachers I had worked with was leaving to be a stay-at-home mom. I thought I was a shoe-in for this position – I already knew her, knew the kids, knew the school. Perfect – I could stay in the RDU area that I had grown to love and teach at a good high school. They went with someone who had previous experience as an elementary music teacher. Again, completely devastated and stuck working at Ann Taylor Loft with summer and the end of the major hiring season fast approaching.

Amid the turmoil of “I have this shiny new Master's degree and I'm super eager to use it – why will no one hire me?!” two things happened. First, my mom found an opportunity in the middle TN area. It was a middle school position, not exactly what I wanted, but it was a start. It was something. I could live at home for a little bit while I looked for a place of my own. I had a phone interview and was about to fax them my paperwork when the second thing happened – a phone call from another school at which I had previously interviewed. A private, Catholic high school in rural VA. It had been over a month since my interview and, hearing nothing, I had given it up for a lost cause. But here they were, offering me a position at their school located an hour outside of DC. I didn't know the area but many of my UNC friends were in DC and the lure of a new adventure in a new city appealed to me. So, I went to work for NDA. I used to wonder what might have happened had I taken the job in TN. Probably good things, but I know now that it wasn't the path meant for me. It feels very “The Road Less Traveled” – I chose the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference. And trust me, if you knew the roads around NDA, in tiny Middleburg, you would agree that they are indeed less traveled.

NDA was a “unique” place for many reasons and almost drove me crazy more than a few times. But, again, this place gave me the chance to meet amazing friends and living on campus made it easy to finally adopt a dog. Thus, I credit NDA for Zeke coming into my life.

This first job gave me my sea-legs so when I was ready to move on, I was looking at larger public schools to really sink my teeth into a big choral program. Nope, no go. But, RPCS, a private girls' school in Baltimore, gave me a chance and it was here that I really hit my stride. It was also here that I met Kevin and other wonderful people, both colleagues and students alike, and I am forever grateful for their impact on my life.

Even though none of these places were in my original scope of thought for where I originally wanted to be, they were precisely the right place at the right time in my life. And I know that with complete certainty.

So, when Kevin was talking to his brother one late summer afternoon, recounting why his current job situation was far from ideal, his brother said, “Send me your resume. I'll see what I can do” I was outside with Zeke and heard Kevin call out to me,

“Hey, what do you think about CA?”

“I love CA.”

“Great!”

And that was that. We talked about it, more in terms of wishful thinking than anything else at first. Then the resume submission became a phone interview. And then an in-person interview. As things started to progress, it was exciting but also terrifying. We weren't engaged at that point, but we knew we wanted to be together. I had a job that I loved, but knew we needed this break. What would happen if our wildest CA dreams came true? I had a moment when I turned it all over to God: “He needs this. We both need this. If this job is meant to be and if we are meant to be together then I will go with him. I will leave this place and this job I love. I will leave these students and colleagues who are so amazing to work with. If this opportunity is the right path I will give this up and go somewhere new.”

The night we finished casting the fall musical, right after we had finalized everything, I get a text. “Got the offer. It's good. We're going to CA.” My heart and stomach both leapt and flipped and I felt flushed and dizzy. “Holy shit...! This. Is. Amazing. AMAZING!!! Thank you GOD! But what now? Did I just cast my last show here? When will he move? Will I move, too?” Needless to say, it was a tumult of both joy and fear. In the blink of an eye we made arrangements, packed his house, and the week before he headed off to start work he proposed, solidifying the fact that I was going to join him in CA. So, off he flew while I stayed in MD, finishing the school year, planning our wedding, and preparing for my own cross-country journey. I was elated and knew that despite my fears, it was all going in the right direction.

This is the thought I keep returning to time after time whenever I feel doubt about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. This reassurance that I have always been placed just where I need to be and with whom I needed to be. Heck, that started out in my first few weeks of life when my mom and dad adopted me! I've always been blessed in that way. And I feel that. No, I don't know what my next adventure will be in the employment category, but that's ok. I'll get there.  

In early April, I applied for a job that sounded ideal:  The school sounded like a west-coast clone of RPCS - they even have the same colors.  Only a 20min commute.  I knew that if this worked out, I was meant to get back in the classroom.  And if I didn't... it meant there was something else for me.  After what I thought was a solid Skype interview I waited.  And waited more.  And finally, a month later, received the "Thanks but no thanks" email.  This time, however, no major devastation.  I had pretty much figured out I wasn't a candidate after a few weeks of no contact, and I was at peace with it.  I knew that if I didn't get it, I wasn't meant to and that I could focus on finding that thing I was supposed to do.  

That's how this whole idea of writing came into being. I was beyond bored when I first moved here, unemployed and socially crippled by not knowing a soul within 20 miles. So I read. And then I got some ideas of my own and I wrote them down. Then I wrote more and elaborated, trying to build something up that might possibly, tentatively, hopefully, maybe become something someday. It's a scary prospect though – what if I after devoting all this time and energy it goes nowhere? What if it's a total dead-end? I think that's why I haven't mentioned the notion of my writing books to really almost anyone other than Kevin. If it doesn't come to fruition, if no one knows about my dream in the first place, they can't ask, “Hey, how's that book coming?” while I awkwardly mutter something about, “Eh... publishing... editing... long process. You know. Hey, how about that sport-ball game, huh?” It's a shield to not let anyone know about it because if they don't know I'm trying, they won't know if I fail.

And no one will be there to encourage, push, or motivate either. Aye, there's the rub. Telling people is a way to keep myself honest and continue to push to try to make something of it. By finally putting it out there that I hope to write a book or two and seek publication in some way, shape, or form, then everyone who knows about that project will play the tiniest part in keeping me on track. People know about it now. It's official. Here ye, here ye! I have this potentially really good idea for a book (or 2) in the young reader's genre – like middle school age-ish. I'd rather say that I tried and failed. That's better than saying that I started trying and then gave up.

Earlier today I read two blog posts from high school friends and they both struck me as exactly what I needed to hear. Here's the essence of what each said:

1. There are times when you know you're supposed to be doing more with your life but you're scared to take that first step. Then a situation arises that forces you to take action and take that step – maybe it's divine intervention in that way. “Wake up! Take charge and do what you know you could be doing!”
2. Take responsibility for yourself. It's the biggest and most important thing you can do.

I think part of me knew in my heart that I wasn't meant to teach as a long-term career, for whatever the reasons may be. Now, I have no excuse to not pursue a long-dormant dream. And, if I want to make this happen, I'm the only one who can make it so. I'm the one who had to take the time to sit down, create, edit, rewrite, and so on and I'm the one to blame if it just sits on my computer, abandoned and unfinished. So, if either of you happen to read this and recognize your blog message from above, thanks.

These things and thoughts and feeling and emotions have been tied up in my brain for weeks now. I had to get them down. I had to write these two, massively long posts for my own well-being, if not for anyone else's potential reading and reflection. Now that this isn't swimming in my head anymore I feel a little cleansed, refreshed. I've done a decent amount of writing so far but I think I needed this catharsis before continuing on. If you made it this far, you're a trooper. Props.